Always Watching

House: Epic Fail Review

In 2009 Fall Season, Fox, House on 09/29/2009 at 2:42 pm
Epic Fail
A review of last night’s House episode, Epic Fail, by Tara.


For a brief moment I became a bit nervous wondering if this weeks’ patient was going to be trapped inside a video game. Luckily, for me, that’s not case, no pun intended.

And the regular opening credits are back. Meaning the show is back. Yes, technically it was back last week with a very incredible two hour episode, but it stood alone, devoid of any regular cast members outside of the great Hugh Laurie (who must find it nice to have his Emmy episode already done). I still find it odd that they have yet to include Peter Jacobsen or Olivia Wilde in the opening credits.

Thirteen doesn’t know what is wrong with Vince’s hands and suggests transferring him to see a neurologist. But in a not so clever way of getting us to ask, “what about House?” our patient seems to already know about our “famous diagnostic guy” which cuts to House saying he quits to Cuddy and Foreman. And when Foreman tries to tell him he can’t, we get one, of the many great one liners of the night, “I think you are confusing me with Jake Gyllenhall.” Brokeback Mountain shout out. Love it.

House is okay and he wants to remain so, showing that last week’s episode did in fact make a lasting impression. He doesn’t want to stay in this environment, wants to go where there is less pressure.  Not one to waste an opportunity, Foreman is quick to ask if he can run the department.

Who needs doctors when you have the internet? The patient is using the internet to help diagnosis himself. He believes he has mercury poisoning. Taub and Thirteen run the blood test, without their new boss’s approval.


Foreman uncovering House’s desk is like a kid uncovering his Christmas presents. He is clearly excited about being the new House. (The team it appears has not been working together while House has been in recovery). Cameron, walks in on him eyeing House’s ball. Yeah you heard me. “You know how House feels about people touching his balls.” Oh Cameron, there you are to give your one little piece of dialogue to remind us that you are still a cast member of this show. “No Chase refuses to tell me,” bites back Foreman. “Right my husband is gay.” My husband! Oh wait, that’s right. Again, I forgot. Chase and Cameron got married last season. I really tend to forget these two are even on the show. Why are they even on the show? They have been reduced to minimal if any screen time.

(ed. note: EW broke the news last week that Cameron, played by Jennifer Morrison, will be leaving the series.  Her final episode will be in November, though Chase will remain.)

I like seeing that House is still seeking therapy. And I like seeing Braugher back as Dr. Nolan. We find out that House and Wilson are roommates. At long last. It’s what they have always wanted; they just needed a doctor’s permission. Nolan suggest House finds a hobby to help keep him busy, occupied.

I enjoy any and all scenes between House and Wilson. The actors have such great chemistry. The two of them at the cooking class. “How hard are you trying not to make a ball joke your right now? “Your balls, they are browning way too fast. Blue is the color you’ve got to watch out for.” I have to admit I’m not as engaged with the patient story lines, but they’ve got me laughing out loud at these one liners.

And maybe it’s okay that I’m not finding myself that involved with the patient.  It usually isn’t really about them anyway, more about the doctors, and this episode is clearly more about Foreman trying to distinguish himself from House and being just as competent as him. He’s having a hard time doing either. Lucky for him he has his girlfriend there to try and make him feel better. Boost his ego. Tell him he can do this by ‘being himself.’


We don’t get to see enough of Lisa Edelstein, she seems to only get good scenes when involved with House, so I relish any and all scenes these two share. Cuddy showing up at House’s, we see him again cooking, with a cook, who he tells Cuddy doesn’t speak English. He tells the cook that she’s a missionary, and she responds with “why if she’s a missionary does she dress like a hooker?” House: “I meant the position.” HA! In a very genuine moment, one where both Edelstein and Laurie play quite beautifully, Cuddy wants reassurance as to why he is leaving. That it isn’t her. “I’m going to miss you,” she says. And the cook who was supposed to not speak english says what I agree with, “Lady either kiss him or leave.” Well I agree with the kiss him part. One day these two just have to get it right. You know, when the show is over.

The patient has still been using the internet because now there are doctors in his room trying to diagnosis his symptoms. One of the other doctors thinks he has a brain tumor. The ‘competitor’ notices that he hasn’t done an MRI and Foreman says that’s because he doesn’t think he needs one. Patient is looking to Dr. Hadley for the tie breaker. Wait, who is that? Oh yes, Thirteen. Call her by another name, her real name, and you confuse me. When she says she thinks both sides have merit, Vince says, ‘so brain tumor, other you’d back your boyfriend/boss.’

House has another visitor. He is popular when not at work. It’s Thirteen. He’s not surprised to see her, knowing she’d show up eventually to complain about Foreman. House, suddenly a man of wisdom, actually has something to say that’s helpful. Thirteen asks him the only sane thing she can, “What did they do to you in there?”.  House has her taste a new recipe and the quote is too good to not include. “This might be the best thing I’ve ever eaten. And yes, I’m including what you’re thinking of right now.” Haha. Thirteen is now bringing the funny. “You are an amazing cook.” “I know, and yet my leg still hurts.” Foreshadowing?

Foreman shows up at Thirteen’s with a doughnut. “The florist was closed, he says. “I’ll get a vase and put it in water.” They both apologize and want to start over. Starting over apparently includes sex. Oh, but their pager beeps so starting over will have to wait.

The patient’s lymph nods are huge and Foreman says he was wrong. Vince is now adding this to his symptoms as well as a $25,000 reward on the internet. Weeding through all the many faxes, emails, phone calls, Patient wants them to test him for amyloidosis, the most popular of the internet guesses. Foreman makes a deal that he will test for amyloidosis and when it comes back negative he will take the case off the internet, or he won’t test him at all.

Wilson comes home in the middle of House doing laundry. House accuses him of checking up on him. Wilson tells him you know you can talk to me. Wilson, you know House better than that. He isn’t one to share his feelings. Wilson watches House as he goes to put away laundry without using his cane.

Taub tells Foreman he quits. It’s nothing personal but he came here to work with House.

Thirteen and Forman are lying in bed. Foreman is visibly upset about how the case was solved by the internet. Thirteen trying to cheer him up, “you’re sad, I could tell you the story about me and my roommate.” Foreman and any guy watching this show: “Okay.”

Wilson walks in to Cuddy’s office, “I broke my toilet this morning.” Without skipping a beat, she responds with “I’ll get my tools.” Seriously the one liners in this episode are fantastic. It’s hard for me to judge the episode as a whole because they are winning me over with these little quips of joy. Wilson was trying to collect some of House’s urine, because who doesn’t in their spare time. It was clean for vicodin, but probably because it came from a labrador retriever.

The patient is in the middle of the hospital which has turned into his video game. I want to go on record as saying I would not buy this game. It’s scary.

Amyloidosis would not cause the video game hallucinations. Thirteen wants to see if the internet has any more ideas. Foreman says no. They were wrong about the amyloidosis. They have the patient in a tub. They think the patient has LCDD.

Cuddy and Wilson try to attempt an intervention with House, telling him they know he is using again. “No the only thing you know is that I’m a genius. I got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don’t know how I did it or more interestingly where I peed.” He’s right, I am curious as to how the dog peed in a toilet, but the later part I am not as curious about.

Foreman gets out of the shower, with his towel already wrapped around him. Who does that? Sorry mind in the gutter moment. He notices his fingers are wrinkly. I get that too when I have been in the water for a long period of time Foreman, how long was that shower? Wait, wait, he may be having one of those last minute, I think I discovered what’s wrong with him, House moments. And he is. “Stop the chemo. He’s got Fabry’s disease.” But Thirteen already did stop the chemo and she already confirmed Fabry’s disease. But how did she? She didn’t have the “House” moment? Nope. She admits to looking through the online stuff again.

She apologizes to Foreman. “It’s my fault, he says, you thought you had to go behind  my back.” I should’ve stood up to you, she retorts. “But you didn’t because you didn’t want to fight again.” There. I hate that. Writers feeling as though they have to give us something we already know. We know because it’s been going on all episode long. The fighting. Thirteen’s insecurities. Don’t tell us now as if we are surprised by this, or as if it’s brand new information. It cheapens the moment. Back to the moment. Foreman is worried that by the end of all this what if they don’t like each other any more. Is he breaking up with Thirteen? No. He needs her. He doesn’t want to lose her. So he’s not breaking up with her, he’s firing her. Okay. Like she’s going to want to be your girlfriend now. “I need you, therefore you are going to have to find another job.” Wow. I wish I had a boyfriend who was that… what’s the word I’m looking for, selfish.

House back at therapy admits to slipping up. And he says what I think we all were thinking, or at least Wilson, Cuddy, and I were thinking, he took Vicodin. Instead he hands Nolan a check for $25,000. Ha. So he was the one who diagnosed the patient. “Maybe diagnostic medicine is the key to keeping you clean. The only thing worse for you then going back to diagnostic medicine is not going back.” House: “Guess we’re going to find out.” And that is how we get House back on House. It’s a very cheesy gimmicky line, almost feels suited for CSI:Miami but hey, we need to get there somehow.

House airs each Monday at 8pm on Fox.

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